wasted

september 2018
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Cesar Gonzales (27 years), Annie Carver (28 years), Ella (6 years), Marisol (8 months), Manuel (8 months)

narrated by: Annie

Tension has been growing between me and Cesar, ever since Kenzie came here for an impromptu visit, and proceeded in threatening to take the kids away.

Sometimes I think that might be easier, if she’d do just that.

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and then there were twins

january 2018
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Cesar Gonzales (27 years), Annie Carver (28 years), Ella (6 years)

Another one begins, Cesar is occupying Dr. Morgan, and neither are paying attention to the monitor’s zipping noises as it charts my contraction. The twins’ heartbeats slow when a contraction comes, like it’s squeezing them too tight to breath, but in this case, for their hearts to beat. It always pops back up to one hundred and fifty beats a minute right after though so Morgan isn’t concerned over it.

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crushed by her own weight

*warning: this will be long*
may 2017
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Annie Carver (27 years), Ella Carver (5 years)
(Cesar Gonzales – 31 years)

Each tick of the clock echoed in the room, it was just me and the passing of time, waiting. I’d came here this morning quickly after Ella left on the school bus, I had thought there was plenty of time before Cesar’s lunch break at work. His break started three minutes ago. I already sent him a text to delay, and that I was running late. I didn’t respond when he had text back asking why.

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lever and pendulum

october 2012
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Annie Carver (22 years), Ella Carver (7 months)
previous update: fall 2011; spring 2012

It’s fall, the air is cool in the morning, and some days the edge doesn’t disappear with the afternoon sun. I’ve pulled out some old sweaters I still have with me, musty, ratted, and stretched out of shape. I spend my money on Ella; I splurged on an outfit for her, a cheerful one to show how she is the limelight of my life. I stopped working at the coffee shop, and got a full time position as a psychic telemarketer. I got the gig from my new neighbor, Michelle who works in the field.

Matt left the hospital after Ella was born, and we never heard from him again. After a month of living in South Port, just blocks from him and his wife, I moved out to Millwood. It’s quiet here, less crowded, and while I don’t fully fit in, the question of Ella’s paternity being quite the hot topic, I do have my neighbor Michelle, and Cara, my friend from boot camp. It’s two more friends than I had when I went into boot camp.

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a little bright light

march 2012
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Annie Carver (22 years)
(Morgan Russo – 28 years, Matthew Picasso – 23 years)

My father doesn’t know anything about my dishonorable discharge, or my illegitimate child. If he saw me now, if he had any inkling of the decisions I’ve made, I have no doubt that he’d disown me. It’s not that he has ever ‘owned’ me in the smallest regard. I am his daughter, but it’s never meant anything more that a tax deduction every year.

Matthew calls once in a while. He’s busy with his wife, twin sons, and work. I know my place, and where I fit in, and it’s not really anywhere. So I eat ice cream sundaes in my half-lit apartment, and think of baby names. Matthew doesn’t care what I name the child, he’s said so in those precise words.

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restless nights

October 2011
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Annie Carver (21 years)
(Matthew Picasso – 22 years)

I did what I said I’d do. I moved to South Port, Washington. Out of every city in the world, this is where I came. I had told Cara that there were good job opportunities in the area. Honestly, I couldn’t name a single business that was even operated here. I came because I found myself floundering, with child from a married man, and what else could I do? I couldn’t go home, if my father ever knew… I can’t even consider him finding out. He’s why I joined the military, to get away; I wouldn’t go back just a few months after leaving.

I was able to find a one bedroom apartment for a reasonable price, it was still summer and graduation hadn’t happened yet. It was just me, in a strange city, all alone.

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